Hello.

I would really like it if the world would stop conspiring to make me like people even less than I already do. I'm not kidding.

It's the little things. Like emailing me at the dot of noon to remind me that a reaction paper to four seemingly vastly different articles is due.

Dear professor,
Quit being an asshat. Jon's reading it to make sure no one laughs me out of class. I'm sorry if the fucking thing is two minutes late. Quick question: was it you who invented the magic machine that makes all clocks read the same fucking time?
CJ

Dot of noon. No shit.

Then there are the not so little things. Like the alleged friend who didn't find me worthy of a first-hand wedding invitation (I did get a message offering an invite if someone couldn't make it). Turns out, for the last year of our friendship I was "the former love interest," according to a mutual friend. So. We chilled for nearly two years, I told him things I told just about no one in the entire time I was in Duluth, and now I'm just "the former love interest" because I wouldn't fuck him?

Dear Asshat,
If you're really that fucking shallow, and your wife is really that insecure, let me tell you it was a joy not to have to waste a Saturday night watching sappy plebes fight for a fucking bouquet or garter and try their damndest to lay the nearest single wedding party member. I wish you joy in life. May it be lived out far away from me.
CJ

Seriously, this one fucked me up. I was seriously contemplating whether life would be better without friends to fuck me over. Is this a guy thing? Does the whole divided brainpower thing mean that you can only ever relate to another person in one way? You either impact the upper brain or the lower brain, never both and not interchangeable?

Cause here's the thing. Many of the guys I've stayed friends with the longest are former crushes, mostly because before I decided to exercise my mad skills at being rejected I saw them as friends. Friendship is my golden currency. If I got to know someone well enough and think highly enough of them that I was romantically interested, no simple lack of interest on their part is going to change the fact that I think they're worth being friends with. Apparently, I'm the only one who thinks this way.

So, yeah. Fucktards, Asshats, and annoyances, oh my! Who would like to step up and make me feel like shit next?