The family -- and old family friends -- are all here, the kids are piss-poorly behaved, the food is wilting in the 90 degree heat, as am I, and one of my uncles is asleep on the couch (thank god). But the good uncle has provided me with all of the entertainment I need for the day, in one little story.

You see, he told us all about how Isanti County, Minnesota has an event called the outhouse races. The segue into this, by the way, was something like "one of my five vehicles is an outhouse on wheels." Apparently, every summer at one of those little summer festivals, teams create their own wheeled privies and race them. Teams include people to push from the outside, and a "driver" who runs the obstacle course.

From the starting line, it's a race to where the course is set up. Upon reaching the first event, the drivers descend from their thrones and, making sure they have their TP on them, must first clean another toilet seat without using their hands. After that, they must wade through a pool of muck to find a corncob before continuing on to the final task, exchanging their (now gross) TP roll for a fresh one. Then it's back to the privy for the return trib. The first one back over the starting line wins.

Fucking hilarious.