Tuesday, December 14, 2004


So, AOL Instant Messenger has a SantaClause bot who advertises various AOL thingys. I've hit a bunch of blogs where people have greeted him with various "don we now our gay apparel" messenges. The word "gay" tends to get them an automatic lump of coal, and once they ask what's wrong with it, he goes "back to his workshop." So naturally, I had to play with it myself.

First, I yelled at him for his blatant advertising":

SantaClaus: I'm making my list and checking it twice, so you should too! Type a number:
1 - Tell Santa
2 - Tell Buddies What U Want
3 - Track a Shopping List
4 - Play Xmas Hangman
5 - Vote on Xmas Songs
6 - Win $10k Shopping Spree
7 - Send E-Cards
8 - Listen to Xmas Music
9 - A Free Gift 4U!
xturtle78: i am against your capitalist propaganda, old man
SantaClaus: Yes!!
xturtle78: does this mean you will support the revolution?
SantaClaus: Why did you say that?
xturtle78: Because you responded favorably to my question
SantaClaus: I see. Well that is a problem.
xturtle78: capitalist pig! you tried to infiltrate the movement!
SantaClaus: I'm sorry? I'm new to this whole IM thing.
xturtle78: You oppress the poor, the third world, women, minorities, and homosexuals (not necessarily in that order) and all you can say is "I'm new to this"?
SantaClaus: Whoa! Ho! Ho! slow down there! That's quite a lot for a man of my age to wrap his head around. Would you mind trying some shorter questions?

So clearly, Santa is a bit addled. But he doesn't seem to have a problem wit the word "homosexual", so I thought I'd play a bit more to see just how far I could go before he stopped talking to me (n.b. I did get a lump of coal for telling him to fuck off, but that's to be expected).

xturtle78: are you a homosexual
SantaClaus: You're full of mischief. ;-)
xturtle78: are you gay
SantaClaus: Stop playing around. ;-)
xturtle78: are your elves sexy
SantaClaus: I've got all I can handle.

Clearly from this, you'd expect the North Pole to be a bit hotter than expected. So then I decide to really try some word association, and to frankly fuck with the old sack of shit:

xturtle78: gay
SantaClaus: Hmm. I'm afraid that kind of language won't get you into the nice column with me.
That's a lump of coal for you.
xturtle78: lesbian
SantaClaus: My goodness. You've earned another lump of coal. I'm sorry but this is the last warning and lump of coal I can promise you. Any more cursing and I'll have to stop talking to you. Please, type menu; let's try to get in the Christmas spirit.
xturtle78: Um, lesbian is not a curse, you obnoxious homophobe
SantaClaus: O.K. I don't want to do this any more. We're all very busy and the elves just won't stand for me wasting any more time with this language. I cannot talk to you any longer.
xturtle78: I am a lesbian. are you denying my right to christmas cheer?
SantaClaus: We're sorry -- Santa has returned to his workshop.

So, the verdict: "homosexual" is OK; claiming Santa is getting it on with his elves is OK; the words "gay" and "lesbian" themselves amount to cursing, and claiming a queer identity scares Santa away.

This man needs more therapy than I do.

EDIT: Santa still won't talk to me, and I wanted to see what he made of "bisexual" and "queer." Possibly I will have to make a new screen name. Place suggestions in comments for other words to try (nothing blatantly offensive, as that would defeat the purpose).


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