Sunday, August 31, 2003

Find your True Colors.

I scored highest in blue, though just one point higher than for green. I am apparently calm and loyal, with an overabundance of guilt and a need to save the world and find myself.

Bugger. I feel so... catergorized.

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Oh, Ah-nald! The Smoking Gun dug up an old interview with the California gubernatorial candidate that ran in "Oui," an out-of-print adult mag. In it, Arnold describes a gang bang he and other body builders took part in (circa 1977), states that men "shouldn't feel like fags just because they want to have nice-looking bodies," and, when asked if he feels "exploited" by female admirers, states:

"No, I'd feel used only if I didn't get something out of it. If a girl comes on strong and says, 'I really dig your body and I want to fuck the shit out of you,' I just decide whether or not I like her. If I do take her home, I try to make sure I get just as much out of it as she does. The word exploited therefore wouldn't apply... I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and if she turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her. If she's a good fuck, she can weigh 150 pounds, I don't care."

Priceless. I want this guy to represent ME. Can we ship him here? It'll be like having Jesse back, only, you know, WORSE.
My mother is evil.

After my bath, I looked up to the ceiling above the tub to find a honking great ugly moth just biding his time, waiting to... moth me. I swiftly removed myself from the lav, requesting assistance vocally. This may have involved the word "mommy."

I do not like moths. They freak the hell out of me. As a child, I had recurring dreams of moths/butterflies landing on my eyes and, through a disturbing process involving tearducts and probosci(ses?), rendering me unable to open my eyelids. Yes, I am aware that this does not really happen. My urge to scream/throw up/run away is not alleviated by this knowledge.

My lovely mother refused to remove the offending insect from the room, even when met with a plaintive, "but I have to pee." Evil. Thirty minutes later, she was in need of something which I had buried somewhere in the Basement Of Death. I told her that I would trade her this item for moth removal. I retrieved said item, then listened from a far-off room to the anti-moth proceedings. Soon, there was a click that sounded like a toilet lid closing, and my mother appeared. "He's gone," she assured me.

Now, when I hear toilet clickage after bug disposal, I expect a tell-tale flush to follow. I suspiciously informed the mother of me that I had not heard this, and she not only laughed at my suspicions, but also at my use of the word "clickage." She opened and closed the stove, picked up and dropped a chair, and generally carried on for about three minutes with various types of clickage. I finally gave her the large mailing envelope (the original trade for committing pesticide), and went to the lav.

This is where I discovered that my mother is an evil, sneaky liar. I opened the lit only to find the appalling insect attempting a backstroke. That's right, not only did she purposely not flush, she left the little guy to drown. Evil torturer of both child and insect, she.

I tried to reappropriate the envelope, but mom is small and quick and wily. At least she was the only witness to the piercing scream that came from the bathroom when I found the damn thing. Distinctly girly. I'm sure it wasn't me.
Ryan is my hero. I called him with an "I miss you" and the details of my exhausting and traumatic week (<--drama queen!) of "if it ain't one disaster, it's another." He made me giggle. All is better. *glomps Ryan* Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Am goint to "Cranberry" tomorrow (Grand Marais, to those who aren't insane... *cough*christopher*cough*). Mmmmm... BFL (big fucking lake). I intend to jump in it at least once. Shall then shop at cheesy little shops, exclaim at how beautiful everything is, then sit down and write the damn paper.

Loff you all!
The sense of optimism is returning. Have possibly figured out a way to handle the impossible schedule. Woo hoo!!!!!!

Now, off to my three day "vacation" (it's not a vacation if you've got the laptop with you... also five billion pages of reading... *sigh*).
This is getting really dumb-ass. My sleep schedule seems to have readjusted itself so that I go to bed at 10 PM and get up at 6 AM. As soon as school starts, though, bet you I can't get to sleep at night or wake up in the morning.


Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I just found an absolutely earnest online discussion of whether or not Harry Potter would likely be circumcised. I really, REALLY wish I was joking.

My abilities to feel optimistic about this upcoming year are being severely hampered. I just have no ability to look on the bright side and say, "It'll probably work out," as so far, my graduate school experience has been highly karma-challenged. I swear, I was a brutal dictator in a former life, the way the past year has gone.


Tuesday, August 26, 2003

The papers are GRADED!!!! I have been at it all day (and yesterday). It's amazing how good they are at rewording the same thing that you object to over and over -- and they think they'll fool you every time. Not so.

I'm going home. My free lunch is getting a little thin. Back tomorrow for more TA training. I wonder if I can convince someone to add a section on how not to kill the kids...

Monday, August 25, 2003

Success! $100 worth of pretty underwear and a new CD of nice, loud music are MINE!!!!!!! The world is a good place to be.
Hell yes. Yet another scuzzy old dude my father's age tried chatting me up this afternoon whilst I was waiting for my ride. Score.

I'm gonna start collecting old dude digits. I wonder if that'll make me feel like less or more of a loser.
More than one thousand words in yesterday's little rant, and my boys latch on to the one-liner that references porn.

*sniff* I'm so proud.

*huggles Ry and Denny*

Sunday, August 24, 2003

The fountain of youth.
My mother has just offered what amounts to commentary on my complete lack of sex life. I WAS TOO YOUNG TO HEAR THAT!!!!!!!

*is scarred for life*
When last we left, George Bush was mired in excrement...

Hello! I am back from Trina's wedding in Nebraska and ready to rant.

The drive was long and silly (both ways in less than 36 hours), and at one point involved the reading of both Japanese and American fashion magazines out loud. So, if this post in any way offends you, blame Cosmo.

Yes, I bought a "Cosmo," assuring the folks behind the counter that it was strictly for "research purposes." The original intent was to compare it to its Japanese counterpart, but it presented much amusement and consternation in its own right. From reassuring women that they have no right to expect their committed partners to get rid of x-rated movies and photos of former flames (note: Ryan if you rant at me about being anti-porn, I'm going to 1) laugh at you and point to the words FORMER FLAMES and 2) send pictures to prove that my... collection is probably larger and more adventurous than your own has ever dreamt of being), to comforting a reader who had passed out drunk and alone only to wake up and find her boyfriend fucking her with something along the lines of "it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been drunk," to wholeheartedly endorsing the madonna/whore dichotomy by (explicitly) advising women on how to look like a "naughty angel" in bed.

I nearly screamed, cried, was sick, etc... the resounding message was don't you dare be yourself or have fun if you ever expect to be loved. But remember to always look like you're having fun, because guys don't like angsty girls. And I can't help but ask: what does this say for relationships? How does anyone manage to define a relationship that fulfills their needs and doesn't make them feel slavish or, for men, emotionally stifled?

I know that one magazine does not a complete analysis make, but these are just outrageous examples of messages that I see coming from just about every agency of socialization in American life, from my family's persistence in questioning why I don't have a boyfriend, and their immediate conclusion that I'm dating all of the guy friends I'm talking about (my mom's favorites are Ryan and Forrest), to friends' assurances that "one day you'll change your mind" about not wanting to get married. Then all forms of media jump in and scream about how True Love looks and feels, and it brings back my most vivid elementary school memory, of when I tried to convince a just-engaged teacher that there was no such thing as "true love." And to a certain extent, I agree with my younger self: the romantic ideal that I am "supposed" to want does not exist for me. I am not interested in being the wind beneath anyone's wings, the great woman behind a good man, the silent partner in the marriage -- as all of you know, I am rarely silent, and have no desire to be married.

More complicating is the fact that gender and attraction are not heavily linked for me. I am attracted to people who challenge me mentally, with whom I can hold both serious and silly conversations, who can put up with the fact that I'm ridiculously protective of my friends -- and make no mistake, I see little romantic future with anyone until they are my friend; meeting people for the sake of "auditioning" potential romantic partners has never worked for me, and seems like a situation prone to dishonesty and unpleasant surprises. I am attracted to people who are caring and kind, but not in a syrupy, spineless way, or in a self-aggrandizing way; there are, of course, innumerable other factors, and most of them defy words. The main point is, gender isn't one of them. In the past six years, I have known about ten people whom I would have considered becoming romantically involved with. One was a woman. Nine were men. If you want to call that my "proportion," or plot me on Kinsey's bell curve, fine, but it has changed drastically over time (ask me about the year when only women caught my fancy, and most of them het). I view sexuality as fluid and derivative of attraction rather than the driving force behind it.

So how, now that I've pretty much dumped the common view of How Romance Works, do I go about constructing what works for me? Because I sure as shit am not going to simply adapt someone else's hetero-normative (and dichotomous), male-dominated relationship "rules" to fit my "proclivities." At the same time, this is the template I grew up with, it's what I know, and it's what I know to be "normal." So, the list of questions lengthens: is it worth it, if at the end I get even more trouble for taking the pains to create what amounts to a deviant "lifestyle" (I fucking HATE that word)?

For that matter, why don't I reject the idea of romance altogether? If I were truly so into rejecting social norms for romantic love, I would acknowledge that romantic love itself is a construction mired in the history of patriarchy and the forces that shaped the kind of relationship norms that I hate so furiously. I would simply content myself with my wonderful, fulfilling, fun, uplifting friends and the prospect of making more. A good vibrator probably wouldn't hurt. But, as Melissa once said, "that's stupid. Recognizing that something is socially constructed doesn't render your socialization null and void." Or something like that. I know she said that's stupid:-).

So I can't escape the "need" for romance (a problematic term, at best) altogether, and my attempts at compromise, that is, finding a way in which to conceptualize romance/Love/whatever that works with my beliefs rather than against them, have thus far garnered more problems than answers. And I would be blissfully (ha!) grading final papers, still mulling all of this subconsciously rather than blogging it, if I had my way. Except I have a tendency to speak before I think, especially in late-night conversations, when I'm more likely to be tired and frustrated and to simply want to speak the truth and share the frustration, however unfair that might be, of wanting something but not knowing what it is or how to get it.

So in a way, I really do create my own hell. (<-- the drama queen in me)

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Since my first attempt at a hell was deemed "too pedestrian," I have gone back, now that I have a little time, and been more creative. Caveat: this does not mean I have been more serious about it. It's still a joke. As stated in comments, I don't believe in a hell, so it's pretty pointless to take any of this seriously. Pet peeves abound, most of them petty.

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle I Limbo

Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

The Pretentious, Hipsters
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Bill Clinton
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

drivers who swerve through heavy traffic
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

People who believe everything they hear
Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

People who jet-ski too close to shore and scare the turtles
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Read this now if you haven't already: Boy Meets Boy. No, it's not the Bravo reality series. It's comic crack. Mmmm... I started at the beginning this morning and... can't... stop... reading... gah!
In this term's Robbinsdale area community education catalog there is, and I am not joking, a course called "communicating with your angels." I have no words.
I solemnly swear NEVER to make fun of people for posting the same comment multiple times again!!!! Enetation is SO SLOW at lunch time, and I kept getting "could not load page" messages, so I resent the comments, but they had been received, it's just that enetation was busy so it wouldn't show them so I had to spend twenty minuted deleting five copies of my comments and it was horrible!!!!!

End rant.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Trying again, as my school's wireless network ate the first one:

Monsanto (agrichemical chemical) is suing a small dairy for labeling it's products "no BGH." According to the random progressive spam I got today, "Monsanto claims that even a factual assertion misleads consumers."

Gah! I'll have to go off dairy completely if I can no longer tell which producers use BGH and which don't. And that sucks, cause I love me some cheese. The stupidest part is that the small dairy's customers are probably crunchy nature people who wouldn't buy milk if they couldn't tell what was/wasn't in it. Kemps even figured out how to exploit us by making a seperate line of rBGH free milk. If companies are really that concerned, let them follow suit -- it'll only bring them more customers. More customres = good.
Hell yes. The random ad generator at the top of my blog has outdone itself: Toilet Partitions!!! WTF?!?!
Richard Gere, beware!!!!!
Hmmm... while I've been reading yesterday's paper, it's been a big news day. The local CBS affiliate's website is reporting both the bombing of the UN headquarters in Iraq and an alleged Al-Qaida claim of responsibility for last week's US blackouts.

US officials have asked FOX news viewers to take this claim with "a grain of salt." My question: how frequently has Al-Qaida taken credit for disasters that were later shown not to be of their making? I'm gonna go try to google it, but if anyone has shortcuts for me, I'd appreciate it.

EDIT: The BBC still doesn't have it, for whatever that's worth. Googling just found stories about W's state of the union, so unless someone else can come up with something, I give up.
After grading 'round the clock the night before last, then going to school all day, I came home last night and fell asleep at 6:30 PM. My mom shook me awake at seven AM today (presumably to make sure I was still alive). I slept for twelve and a half hours. It felt great.

This week should be devoted to finishing the F$%&ing paper, but we know how well that's gone so far.

Monday, August 18, 2003

My own personal hell!

Circle I Limbo

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Bill Clinton
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

General asshats
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Creationists, Rednecks
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Circle VII Burning Sands

George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

NAMBLA Members
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Sunday, August 17, 2003

Jeez, they're not even going through the trouble of disproportionately charging and convicting minorities anymore. Greg Palast discusses some of the shady doings surrounding election 2000. With evidence. Which was somehow widely reported everywhere except the US. Between this and Stupid White Men, I'm considering asking authors to place a "Warning: take blood pressure medication before reading" label on discussion of that particular debacle.

PS Ryan, you're required to read both of the above pieces before responding with knee-jerk Republican sycophantism. There's a difference between being a conservative and being currupt. I can't believe I just wrote that.

Saturday, August 16, 2003

Dennis Kucinich Hates Me, and Other Tales:

Jon, Teresa, Keith and I went to hear Dennis Kucinich speak this evening. Politically, he's my personal best option -- we probably agree on about ninety-nine percent of the issues he addresses, although the fact that he was anti-choice at one point in time disturbs me. Doesn't matter -- he won't get the nomination. He's simply too progressive, and too blunt about it, for our current political climate (please, America, prove me wrong).

One of the nomination losing statements that he made this evening was also something I took issue with. After devoting a lengthy portion of his speech to how he was going to "bring Democracy back to America," he went on in question-and-answer to state that he intends, when he is president, to sign an executive order outlawing the death penalty, and another outlawing the School of the Americas.

I know that executive orders have their place. However, I think it's a dangerous thing to claim to be bringing back democracy, only to exclude certain issues that you just "know" you're right about from a congressional vote. I am against the death penalty. I can argue the moral and ethical reasons for this backward and forward. However, I used to be pro-death penalty. I know that there are moral and ethical arguments on that side, too. No one person, whatever office they're elected to, ought to claim such a monopoly on truth that they impose their own reasoning on this country of vastly differing definitions of "morality" without putting it to a vote.

So, I quietly mention this to Keith, who has just said the same thing to Jon (quit using my brain!!!). He soon comments that I should go up and ask the question. I reply that I know what the answer will be. Keith, displaying an annoying habit of being right, tells me that the question still needs to be heard, as few people will have considered it. So up I go, one huge bundle of stage fright. It looks grim at one point, as a handler tells him to cut off questions after the person in front of me, but he decides to take two extras. So, stuttering and generally sounding like a mouse on crack, I explain my philosophical quandary, only to have him do exactly what I expected and start lecturing me on inequalities in the use of the death penalty. I stifled the urge to yell, "I know all this -- I have a degree in it" and returned to my seat the most hated person in the room.

While I was waiting to ask my question, I saw someone waving at me from one of the front rows -- My friend David, from HS. I caught up with him later, along with another friend whom he was with -- she thanked me for asking "the hard question," so I felt less vilified. But the next time, someone without massive stage fright can do it -- I prefer to get my adrenaline rush from trying not to kill myself in whitewater.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Hug your nearest ekeltricity engineering person, then go read this (link gacked from Jon) any time you hear the Wanker in Chief trying to blame engineers' shoddy work for the NE blackouts. Resist the propaganda! They can only do the work that the ones with the money allow them to!
Power Failures Hit US and Canada

Yes, I watched a fair amount of CNN today (thanks Jon!). Yes, the dark skyline of New York looked awesome against the sunset, and I got way too hyper over the red and white stripes of Manhattan's avenues -- color indicated which direction the one way went. But, really, it's just electricity. We lived without it for thousands of years. I'm very glad it wasn't (to our present knowledge) an "attack" that lead to much of the Eastern US and Canada being in the dark. However, the specter of The Day That Made It Patriotic To Shop needs no further invoking. It is done. Make them stop.

From Mayor Bloomberg's "a lot of people walked down a lot of stairs today" to the BBC's ode to the non-attack, the ghostly image has lurked. I say, it is a ruse. Sure, there really are no lights in NYC. But today, when folks walked down the stairs, or across the bridges, they were walking. They were not saving themselves, running as fast as they could from billiowing smoke and falling debris. They were not watching co-workers who did not run fast enough choose to leap from upper stories rather than burn to death. Yet, for the gravity of the TV coverage, it may as well have been happening all over again.

This seems symptomatic of the way in which those who shape public perception operate: keep them afraid of the dark. Maybe it's a blackout, with night coming on. Maybe, as Michael Moore points out in "Stupid White Men," it's an anonymous, ubiquitous black face that has come to represent crime and violence to much of white America, despite overwhelming evidence that crime is more likely to happen intra-racially and violence is most likely to be suffered at the hands of an aquaintance, family member, or spouse. Whatever its manifestation, the darkness has proven an easy fear to sell (see Barry Glassner's "The Culture of Fear" for a detailed examination of the strange things Americans are afraid of and the dumb-assed reasons why). There are so many great metaphors that help peddle antidotes to darkness, who could resist? New intelligence measures implemented with the passing of the Patriot Act will "shed light on" terrorist activity in the US; from there it's a short jaunt to "bringing to light" the ones "responsible" for each terrorist act world-wide. There was a lot of light shedding over in Iraq, too, but the infamous, deadly WMD still reside in darkness.

I happen to frequently like the dark. Hell, most of the time I revel in it (if I weren't busy ranting, I'd be doing so now... until I fell asleep). It doesn't scare me to be without light -- I know that the sun rose and set in a stable pattern long before Thomas Edison took up kite flying. The blackout doesn't scare me, though I'm sure that folks in Manhattan were terrified, at least at first. And the poor folk caught in the subway -- now those people with some very legitimate discomfort. Me? I'm just amused right now. It'll get sorted out, and maybe we'll learn from it and fix the power grid up a bit (not holding my breath). So far, no one's been killed or injured (to my knowledge), so I'll count that a blessing. And I heard one of the funniest things today: people are rioting in Ottawa, but not in New York. Fear the Canadians!!!

Thursday, August 14, 2003

*Snerk* Yeah right:

Your Name: CJ
Your Date of Birth: 10/18/1978
Your Question or Information:


Tir - Victory, leadership, success over other competitors, increase in finances, virility and passion (especially for men).


Kenaz - The hearth fire, artistic pursuits, healing, love and passion, creativity, strength.


Raido - Safe travel, movement, obtaining justice in an issue, used to keep a situation from stagnating.

Cast the runes here:
Rune Caster

Increase in finances? When? Love and passion? *snerk*

*Shakes head* the Runes must have me confused with that other girl...

My day has started off well, if early. The insurance guy who's been jerking me around for the past month called, we settled my claim, he's sending the relese form, life is good. This man has been a thorn in my side -- conveniently "forgetting" important conversations, setting up an independent exam without getting back to me as to whether or not I want to settle... am considering writing his supervisor after I receive the settlement, but I don't think I'm mean-spirited enough to do it. Also, I do not care that much about the fate of others in my situation.:-)

Wednesday, August 13, 2003


My Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Sadistic pleasure

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a chosen one. This will cause the world to sense a grave disturbance in the force, paralyzed by your arrival. Who is this despoiler of all that is good and nice and true? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in your wizard's robes?

Stage Two

Next, you must desecrate the Pyramids of Giza. This will all be done from a medieval castle, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will weep uncontrollably, as countless hordes of the religious right hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must unleash your great supernatural forces, bringing about the return of the antichrist. Your name shall become synonymous with insanity, and no man will ever again dare cross you. Everyone will bow before your unbreakable will, and the world will have no choice but to make you their new god.

It's the craziest MadLib you'll ever do. Go, make your own Evil Plan -- NOW!!!!

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Get your war on-- en francais! The french edition is called something akin to "Fuck, it's a war!" I am way too amused. For the uninitiated, here's the english version.

Monday, August 11, 2003

The mall ate my evening. I went out shopping for a dress for Trina's wedding. I came away four hours later with a very cute dress and the best furniture ever made -- the LoveSac. It's not a damn beanbag (they're words, not mine). It's the most heavenly thing I've ever sat in. And it's big enough to double as a couch -- though I didn't get the largest one; if you really want to check out the details, I got the Ton-o-LoveSac, five foot diameter, in forest green corderoy. Because the corderoy feels like a giant hug. Melissa and I almost fell asleep in the store.

Alas, the filling for my LoveSac (that sounds like something that would be discussed in a decidedly R-rated anatomy class) was not in stock, so I have to pick it up tomorrow. And lest you be moved to acquire your own, be warned: I paid almost $100 less than the internet price, so try to find a real, live store to purchase from. Or at least go spend a few hours "test-driving" them. The people at the stores are good about just letting you chill.

I'm thinking about turning it into a pick up line: "I've got a LoveSac at home that's built for TWO..."
Some days, I feel just a little bit hopeful...

From David Shove's Progressinve calendar:
"From: David Strand
Subject: Mpls ordinances 8.11 1:30pm

The four following ordinance changes in the article below were in part
initiated and/or are supported by Lavender Greens. We encourage Greens to
communicate their support to their Minneapolis city council people in
support of these four proposals and invite interested party members to
attend the committee meetings in the articles below to show their support.
City may strengthen domestic partner rights -- and let you use the
opposite-sex bathroom

By Scott Russell
City Councilmember Scott Benson (11th Ward) has introduced a series of
ordinances to strengthen the rights of domestic partners.

The City Council's Health and Human Services Committee will hold public
hearings on two ordinances, including one that would prohibit
discrimination against domestic partnerships in real estate, professional
organizations, public accommodation or public service, including charging
different fees for married couples compared to domestic partners.

A second proposed ordinance would have the city recognize domestic partner
relationships established in other jurisdictions. Domestic partners
registered in New York, for instance, would not have to reregister in

The Health and Human Services Committee meets Monday, Aug. 11 at 1:30 p.m.
in Room 317 City Hall, 350 S. 5th St.

The City Council's Public Safety and Regulatory Services Committee will
hold public hearings on two additional ordinances, one that would broaden
the definition of "family" in the housing code. The current code limits
the number of people living in a dwelling to five, unless they are related
by blood, marriage or adoption. Benson's ordinance includes domestic
partners in the definition of family.

Benson also authored an ordinance that would change city restroom
regulations that prohibits people from entering a toilet designated for a
person of the opposite sex. The new code would allow people to use
opposite sex bathrooms, unless it is for "an indecent, immoral or unlawful

A Benson aide said the amendment was aimed at transgendered people who
self-identify as the opposite sex.

The Public Safety Committee meets Wednesday, Aug. 13, 1:30 p.m., Room 317
City Hall."

Sunday, August 10, 2003

when harry met sally
Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

I don't know whether to be amused or depressed... or frightened...

Saturday, August 09, 2003

The family -- and old family friends -- are all here, the kids are piss-poorly behaved, the food is wilting in the 90 degree heat, as am I, and one of my uncles is asleep on the couch (thank god). But the good uncle has provided me with all of the entertainment I need for the day, in one little story.

You see, he told us all about how Isanti County, Minnesota has an event called the outhouse races. The segue into this, by the way, was something like "one of my five vehicles is an outhouse on wheels." Apparently, every summer at one of those little summer festivals, teams create their own wheeled privies and race them. Teams include people to push from the outside, and a "driver" who runs the obstacle course.

From the starting line, it's a race to where the course is set up. Upon reaching the first event, the drivers descend from their thrones and, making sure they have their TP on them, must first clean another toilet seat without using their hands. After that, they must wade through a pool of muck to find a corncob before continuing on to the final task, exchanging their (now gross) TP roll for a fresh one. Then it's back to the privy for the return trib. The first one back over the starting line wins.

Fucking hilarious.
I know the person who sent me this thought it was cute and funny and a Good Reminder of God's Love For His Children, but really, it's so stupid it's funny. I had to post it. It's like every self-help book ever made, put into a programming joke.


Love 2.0

Tech Support: Yes Ma'am, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to
install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready.
What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your heart.
Have you located your heart Ma'am?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now.
Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running Ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have past-hurt, low self-esteem, grudge,
and resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase past-hurt
from your current operating system. It may remain in your
permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs.
Love will eventually override low self-esteem with a module of
it's own called high self-esteem. However, you have to
completely turn off grudge and resentment. Those programs
prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those
off Ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until grudge
and forgiveness have completely erased.

Customer: Okay done, Love has started installing itself.
Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base
program. You need to begin connecting to other hearts in order
to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already.
It says, "error-program not run on external components."
What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry Ma'am, It means the Love program is
set-up to run on internal hearts but has not yet been run on
your heart. In non-technical terms, it means you have to Love
yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you pull down self-acceptance; then click on
the following files: Forgive-self; Realize your worth;
Acknowledge your limitations.

Customer: OK, done.

Tech Support: Now copy them to the "My Heart" directory.
The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin
patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete verbose
self-criticism from all directories and empty your recycle bin
to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey!!! My Heart is filling up with new
files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment
are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but
eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time.
So Love is installed and running.
One more thing before we hang-up.
Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and it's various modules
to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and
return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: I promise to do just that.
By the way, what's your name?

Tech Support: Just call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known
as the Great Physician, or just "I AM." Most people feel all
they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy; but the
manufacturer (ME) suggests a daily maintenance schedule for
maximum Love efficiency. KEEP IN TOUCH!

~Author Unknown~


I couldn't get blogger to change the text color, so stars indicate the parts of this post for which I take NO BLAME.
I have been assaulted in my own home. I was minding my own business, making a couple vats of pasta salad for the big family wingding tomorrow, when my ankle was bitten not once, not twice, but three times!!!! Who's the perp, the scum, the scurvy knave who would do such a thing? None other than Minnesota's state bird... a giant whopping mosquito. His twinbrother haunts the guestroom (read: where I sleep) and nips off my neck every night. I have welts. That's right, the only action I'm seeing comes from bugs. Grrr.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Oh, hell yeah. Nuthin like a musical based on a Machiavelli play that involves crotch grabbing, adultery, impotence, clergy, and scullery maids. Also Leonardo Da Vinci. My fringe offering for the evening: "Better Being Bad." And it is so much better being bad. Thought to ponder: is it possible for a play NOT to have hilarious gay subtext when the dancing is campy and the guys are in tights? Good lord, this troupe elevated it to art. One final note: I am a geek. I got the choreographic West Side Story in-joke in this bad-boy. Sad.
In case you've ever wondered where the punk kids in Edina shop...I've found it.

For when you want to spend a hundred bucks on an outfit you could have found at Goodwill. Because the damned retards don't need no fucking jobs.

*shakes head* Kids these days.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Because Festie plays are almost as cool as Fest.

Went to see "The Bitter Festie Play" this evening, and had all sorts of wackiness thrust upon me, not the least of which was the play itself. Bloody hilarious!!! Go see it if you're in Minneapolis and get the chance; you'll enjoy it doubly if you've ever been exposed to the behind-the-scenes world of Renaissance/Medieval festivals.

My first inkling that this was going to be a great night? Perusing the program, I see my friend Bill's name on one of the pages -- I've missed his last two plays, so I guess it's simple karma that I ended up at this one without even knowing he was in it! He was wonderful as usually, and dressed in... steady girl... a leather doublet. And tights. And high boots. I am such a geek. I get all feisty over fest gear. To my wonderful Bill: thanks for the cheap thrill of the evening -- both your performance and your person were ravishing.

Finally, in the "random things that came up once this week and thus had to come up again" column: there was a Schroedinger's cat reference in the damn thing. After Chris's random riff on tuesday, I figured it'd be another five years before I had to remember what the hell Schroedinger's cat was again. *shakes head* Truly a fun night.

In other news, here's what Jon found while we were proctering a test today. That's right, a GWB action figure. In a flight suit. He won't let me get one for the office. Think of the fun to be had.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

The bloody great Anglican prats have shot down their "marriage blessing" proposal. I'm so glad the mom didn't raise me in her mother's church. Of course, raising me in a church to begin with was obviously a futile endeavor. I've no beef with the Big Being Upstairs... I just don't believe in religion:-).

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Oh, hells yeah. The Anglicans have elected their first gay non-celibate bishop.

The funny thing? It happened at a conference in MPLS, in a convention center that I can see from my window right now... and I read about it on the BBC website. Pretentious much, CJ?

So, now all those wild and crazy Anglicans have to do is vote to bless gay marriages, and they'll officially be more tolerant than our federal government. And most state governments.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Went to play number two of my five-play pass tonight. I saw a one hour adaptation of "The Hobbit," with a total of three actors and one stagehand/placeholder/puppeteer/etc. It was fairly ambitious, and contained a lot of directing choices that I didn't quite understand, but overall it was terribly cute.

Am now at school at quarter to nine at night because I had to make photocopies. What a waste of a trip, as I will now go home and finish my correcting. Total time at school: 30 minutes. Total time driving out of my way to get to school: 30 minutes. Sigh.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself
It takes a couple of drinks
Sex Drive 63.2%
A fool for love, but not always
Knows the other body type like a map
Gayness 92.9%
Repressed, are we?
Fucking Sick92%
Refreshingly normal
You are 59.59% pure
Average Score: 72.4%

Ah, yes. Because I'm supposed to be working.

Email me your results Ryan. I dare you.
Threat rating: extremely low. You may think you can
subvert the government, but if you should try
you will be smited mightily because God likes
us best.

What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Damn. I wanted at least an orange alert.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Rumors of my death have been very much exaggerated.

I've spent the past two days making a bed. Also, Fringe Festival is this week, so I bought my five-play pass and went to the first, "Staggering toward America," last night. Was a very well done one-man show. The writer/performer told the story of his road trip across America following the Day That Made It Patriotic To Shop. His characterizations of the various people he found and spoke to were freakin' amazing, as were the different ways he characterized himself throughout his journey. I was laughing and nearly sobbing in turn, so much so that I felt completely worn out by the time it was over. Which was, of course, the best time to then get dinner and go to a show with Keith, Chris and Vanessa. Because the best thing when you're tired is doing MORE!!!!

At any rate, I'm now completely knackered. I have a huge, lofted bed on which I will wait til tomorrow to sleep. It got built with a minimum of fuss and only one trip back to Menards, where I thankfully did not run into Mr. Lumberyard man. Now all I have to do is set a few screws and I'm set. And can I just say, no one should live through life without spending a weekend listening to their father make bawdy puns about screws, screwing, etc. in relation to carpentry. Priceless.

Friday, August 01, 2003

Come battle me!!!!

is a
Fire-Eating Kung-Fu Monkey

...with a Battle Rating of 9.1

To see if your Food-Eating Battle Monkey can
defeat xturtle, enter your name: