Confessions of a Heroine Addict: 05/01/2004

Dear Internet,

I know you hate me, but would it be too much to ask that you allow me to find ONE PICTURE of a seventeenth century men's waistcoat that shows the back? I know that the back is supposed to be shorter than the front, but without a visual that is hard to picture.

Also? Most of your denizens are idiots who think that the 1700s were the seventeenth century. Methinks a bit of remedial math is in order.

CJ

Why the fuck has my blog turned up in a search for "cute 'boodies'"? That's either a dyslexic trying to spell "boobies" or someone who has trouble with voices and unvoices consonants trying to pluralize "booty." Or a piss poor typist trying to spell "bodies." Regardless, why would you look for any of the ablve at my blog?

In further news, I caught my thumb on a sharp edge this morning and removed a nice chunk of skin. Typing = ouch.

On that note, I'll stop typing now and go find ~~lots of drugs~~ something to do that doesn't require thumbs.

Attention minions of blog:

The comment button is not broken. Try it!

EDIT: OK, something to comment on...

I get to start working on my pirate costume this weekend. Hee!

BookCrossing is a really cool idea. Now I just have find the will to part with some of my books...

Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

San Francisco
Liberal and proud, you'll live your lifestyle however you choose in the face of all that would supress you.

I am apparently going to visit myself this summer.

I got my new mp3 player. I even managed to put music on it. It is now a shrine to my extremely random taste in music. I'm pretty sure none of these songs ever expected to sit next to each other. They're probably in there now smiling politely at one another and trying to figure out what crack-head couldn't make up her mind when god was handing out musical taste.

Damned eyes were dialated more than nine hours ago. They are only slightly less dialated than they were then.

OUCH.

Dear you,

Stop pussy footing around and say what you mean. Stop assuming that I feel some kind of onerous obligation toward you. For that matter, it's really rather insulting that you assume I would offer and not mean it. The implication is that I am brown-nosing you, and that implication is rather silly, as I would gain nothing from doing so. If I didn't have the time or inclination, I wouldn't offer. If you don't want me to, just fucking say so. It's not that difficult.

If I don't want to help someone, I don't offer. If I have other obligations that come first, I am up front about them. I also don't mind if you refuse. What I hate is that you refuse with the assumption that I would rather be doing something else. Don't be an asshole. I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't game for it.

I have my suspicions as to what this is all about. Someone seems to have left the door ajar, as that pesky elephant is back in the room. And I don't have the energy to do more than write anonymous letters about it in a venue that you don't even know exists.

Your frustrated friend,
CJ

Here's a tip: no matter how frustrated you are while trying to find costume patterns for grown-ups, adding "adult" to a google search will not help things.

I have now had people reach my site while looking for West Wing slash involving CJ, and "Cunnilingus in North Korea."

Google makes my blog look so much more interesting than it actually is.

In this post my friend Katherine lists the five Johnny Depps she would most like to have for her very own. In honor of the quality time that I spent with the PotC DVD this weekend, I thought I'd make my own list (it's surprisingly similar to Katherine's, so I hope she'll forgive me).

1. Pirate!Johnny -- hey, I'm known in some circles as The Dread Pirate CJ. I felt a special affinity.

2. Don Juan!Johnny -- mmmmmm...

3. Big Brother!Johnny -- this is one of my favorite movies, period. That Other Guy is good in it, too, because he's really acting and not pretending to be pretty.

4. Buster Keaton!Johnny -- yet another battle between Teh Hawt and OMG Teh Talent for dominant fangirl reaction.

5. Undercover!Johnny -- because this is where it all started.

Of course, Johnny is incredible in every film I've seen him in -- even if I thought the movie stunk... badly. Then there are the movies that were incredible, but in which Johnny was too sharp or too greasy for me to want one of my very own. And I must now admit my burning shame: I have never seen Chocolat.

So. Many thanks again to Katherine for this trip ~~into madness~~ down memory lane. I think I might have to rent some movies this weekend...

Dear Head,

Please stop hurting. I know you were unhappy to suddenly find yourself seasonally regressing up in the frozen tundra of Duluth. This is why I came home early. Yet still you are stuffy and painful. You are colluding with Nose, Mouth, and Ears to make my life a nightmare of itching, pressure, and mucus. And worst of all, it gets worse when I lie down.

Please stop. I'm tired.
CJ

Hello from Duluth.

What I didn't realize when planning to come up here is that Duluth has been having a very cold spring, and has only just started to bloom.

Sinuses = ouch.

Weather = cold.

Have been a lazy beast mostly. Accidently ran into the Jackass of DOOM at Sir Ben's. Wondered what part of "I don't want to hear it" really meant "please keep talking because there really is a chance in hell that I want to go on a roadtrip with you and one of the other people who helped spread really exciting rumors of my non-existent sexual deviance two summers ago." That's our Jacob, ever the optimist.

In funnier news, The parking meters at UMD blink "FAIL" when they run out of quarters. Seems like it would be an effective threat: plug this meter or your FAIL!!!

I'll be home tomorrow, unless the pain in my face and head becomes too much, in which case I'll come home tonight.

Some stuff:

1) I finally hooked up the cable TV. My $10/month cable essentially gets me reception, MSNBC (crap news -- yay!), and women's entertainment TV (Thelma and Louise -- yay!).

2) I am soon to be in Duluth for four days. I will also be in a boat on at least one of them.

3) Had drinks with Trina, Jason, and Chris tonight. Chris now has two different personal organizers, Jon, so if he tries to make you keep his appointment book for him, bitch slap him for me.

4) D&D was tremendously fun on Sunday, but has some interesting side effects: Maureen and I were in the office talking to Tovan, and the uninitiated kept having to endure talk of how wizards get to do more cool stuff at higher levels, and how orcs usually travel in larger packs that what we've seen.

5) There is no number five. There is only Zuul.

All your 'A's are belong to me.

Even in stoopid class.

That was unexpected.

"After 9/11 the gloves came off."

Sanctioned by high ranking officials. Just to reiterate. Also, see furter links here.

Sitemeter update: I have now been linked to in google results for "singing turtle I'm a happy boy" and "what do redneck turtles eat."

So, your job: Write me a story in the comments about how the HELL these searches came to be. Have a real hunch? Just wanna make shit up? Are YOU the one who searched it? Whatever your perspective, I expect entertainment from the peanut gallery. I'm all about the interactive blogging.

JohnKerryIsADoucheBagButImVotingForHimAnyway.com

I'm not yet sure if I'm voting for him, but the site name alone was worth blogging.

Hello, person who was looking for information about Terry Pettis. I came up as the second site in a google search for "'terry pettis' murder."

I am a total sitemeter geek.

Dems for Dubya?!?!

Really, someone spilled the weird on the internet. Look at the mess you made.

Seriously, what exactly distinguishes the Democratic party from the Republican party when some members view John freakin' Kerry as too leftist?

Why with the two-party system, USA? It causes me to wig out.

My West Wing boyfriend, Toby Ziegler (played by Richard Schiff), made fun of Minnesoooootan accents this evening.

I am in lurve.

Dear internet "liberals,"

Voting John Kerry into office will not constitute a revolution. I know you feel you have a lot to live up to, that people identified in other countries as "liberal" have created quite a stir, but I'm sorry. You will have to think bigger than a man who is distinguished from the current regime only because he does not yet appear to believe he was divinely ordained leader of the free world.

Also, quit spilling the crazy on my internet. First Clinton, now this. It's getting repetitive.

CJ

Why yes, I made the mistake of watching the news tonight. Why do you ask?

Dear "liberal" internet women,

The fact that Bill Clinton was the first president about whom you had erotic dreams really does not make him the best president ever. Also, TMI much?

With disgust,
CJ

Dear Senator Inhofe,

You are truly a bastion of compassionate conservatism. Because when you said:

"I'm probably not the only one up at this table that is more outraged by the outrage than we are by the treatment [of abused Iraqi detainees].... If they're in cell block 1A or 1B, these prisoners -- they're murderers, they're terrorists, they're insurgents. Many of them probably have American blood on their hands. And here we're so concerned about the treatment of those individuals.... I am also outraged that we have so many humanitarian do-gooders right now crawling all over these prisons looking for human rights violations while our troops, our heroes, are fighting and dying."

I'm sure you really didn't mean to prove my assertion that prisoner abuse is sanctioned at the highest levels of government. You just meant to express your outrage that our troops would be expected to follow the ules of the Geneva convention in the face of the completely unexpected lack of cooperation from Iraqi prisoners.

I understand completely. You overprivileged fuckwad.
CJ

Dear former Terry Pettis,

Thank you for doing your best to improve the public image of the North Side. Because nothing says thuggin' like an athlete on a college scholarship pulling a 3.7 GPA and STILL getting arrested for murder and robbery.

Go Henry High!
CJ

Dear Govenor Pawlenty,

Speaking of thugs, quit rooting for the goddamn death penalty. I know you're pleased as punch to have Dru Sjodin's alleged murderer tried on federal charges. I'm sure you would have been just as pleased if his last name hadn't been Rodriguez.

But really, we don't need a bloodthirsty, morally superior prig as the public image for the state.

Peace and love,
CJ

This is too fun! I have new blog toys to play with.

Recently, Blogger updated to include a lot of neat gizmos in order to remain competitive with cooler online journal systems. These include offering profiles (yes, I've done mine, but I can't figure out how to link to it yet), blog via email (I'm doing so now, and this shall soon mean that I'll be able to post from my PDA), and comments (I think I'll stick with enetation for now, until blogger has had time to work the kinks out).

Further, I changes my hit counter over to sitemeter, so now I get all kinds of stats on who visits. Someone from an IP in, like, the seventh Russian Federation time zone popped in today. That's in Rat's Ass, Siberia, as far as I can tell. Privyet, druzya!

I. Am. Done.

Done, done, done, DONE.

Also, I have a job for the summer. Eight weeks of intro.

And? I'm DONE.

"I think the other point that no one is making about the abuse photos is just the disproportionate number of women involved, including a girl general running the entire operation."

This woman makes me ill. Women are too "vicious" to serve? Lady, do you realize how fucking stupid you sound, how ahistorically clueless? This shit has been a wartime tradition for as long as war has been around, and certainly as long as the US has been around. It is sanctioned by military command, so long as it is kept on the QT. Guess what? Women soldiers aren't much different from their male counterparts. They receive the same indoctrination, suffer the same terror, and ultimately are capable of the same disrespect for the humanity of the enemy. If anything, this makes an argument that no one should be in the military.

Oh, shut up. I'm not suggesting we disband the armed forces. I'm just sick of the way we keep acting before thinking, until something like this attempts to remind us that war really ought to be a measure of last resort. Only, we don't listen; instead, we place the blame on those who lack the power to change the way we operate.

The fact that this small minded tripe is coming from the mouths of anti-feminist women who are reaping many of the rewards of various feminist movements just puts the icing on it. Take your agendas and shove them somewhere pleasurable, ladies. Since you seem to get off on twisting history and misdirecting blame.

I clearly rock. Danced my ass off. Remembered all choreography. Did not get flustered by flubs.

Was complimented by personal tap hero.

I ROCK.

Some things:
1. Dear Froogle,

There is no piece of clothing ON EARTH that one could purchase for $550 and still be considered even remotely frugal.

Thank you for your ever-so-helpful shopping tips.
CJ

2. Today's Star Tribune variety page had an insightful and thorough ten-point quiz that helpfully tols me that I am, in fact, a quirkyalone. What the quiz didn't allow for is that the behavioral effects of disillusionment can look startlingly like those of dreamy romanticism. I am not a quirkyalone. I do not think that a "right person" will come along. I think that I am romantically inept and can find better things to waste my time on. I date when boredom obscures my memory of my ineptitude. Things go horribly awry. I remember that I have other, more fulfilling hobbies.

Not quirkyalone. Just better at other things.

3. The word pomosexual has also made it into my lexicon, via the Stoopid Class (which is over and done with, forever and ever, amen). Predictably, though I fit the definition, I also decry this term. I define my sexual and romantic preferences just as much as the next person does. It just takes me longer than one word.

(Because I know someone will challenge me: I am attracted to people with beautiful smiles; warm, kind eyes; a sarcastic but not cruel sense of humor; a willingness to try new things and travel to new places; a sense of social responsibility; the ability to be self-sufficient; and any number of other traits that are nobody's business but my own.)

4. Why yes, I should be working on that paper. Go to hell.

5. I will be tap dancing at midnight tonight. I shall try not to suck as badly as I usually do.